>Date: 17 Oct 2009 22:54:19 -0400
>From: Annie C. Zhang
>Subject: Re: LOVE YOU!!!!
>To: Rebecca M. Lee

--- You wrote:
are you drunk??
--- end of quote ---

YES


>Date: 18 Oct 2009 02:12:10 -0400
>From: Annie C. Zhang
>Subject: Re: LOVE YOU!!!!
>To: Rebecca M. Lee

--- You wrote:
LOL jeallll i hate studying
--- end of quote ---

wow...i just woke up and i am sober as a stone.

Dartmouth should write a song called why you so obsessed with me and dedicate it to me. And I wouldn't even write a mean responding rap back because it'd be so true!!

omg my past three days back have been amazing. I forgot how much I hate mouldering and doing NOTHING. That is just like that worst thing that could ever happen to me. So i came back and immediately started working and it's been amazing. I'm just a little afraid that once actual classes start it might be a little bit overwhelming.

I'm coordinating DPA and I got my own column in The D newspaper!! I write every week in a column called Hear and Now so it's like whatever music-y thing that I want to write about. i wrote about Kanye and Taylor this week. (LOL I played pong with Sujin's photo editor and now their relationship is really awk...dk why though) And I got a spot on Stugo as the Alumni Relations Chair (we call it Sudent Assembly here, dk why that is either) I'm like kind of scared because I've never done any kind of student government kind of thing ever but hopefully i won't die.

The weather is beautiful and sunny and everytime I go somewhere I have to leave like 15 minutes earlier than i have to if I don't want to be late because i keep on seeing people that i love and wanting to talk to them about their summers. It's weird how I can walk around and know most of the people that I pass...I really like it.

The best thing is for sure our room. I love our 6 person suite...the triples are huge and then we have this amazing common room in the middle and we actually have a tv and room decorations this year!

George has been sleeping in our room and Justin is always in here and people just randomly come and go and sleep on our futon and it's like our room is half a commune and half a halfway home but I love it haha. Yesterday Adam climbed up the fire escape, fell through our window and made us all smoke a joint with him. Also I've been meeting more black people than I've ever known in my life.

i thought I was going to break up with Andrew when he got back from Brown, but I really don't want to anymore. He's being super amazing but we'll see what happens. Lots of drama wince i've been back with val though omg. He called me at like 3:30 in the morning and like begged me to come over for like 10 minutes. I don't understand what goes on in that boy's head.

( The Pent House )

OMFG I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE

So since January, I've lost 5 pounds and I think I gained 6 pounds at college.

I'm just going to attribute that extra pound to boob growth and be happy.

I figured out why I liked being ignored and don't like to talk about my feelings.
It's because when my parents ignore me it's like cool i'm not getting yelled at i'm so happy.  But when they do pay attention to me it's like "Rebecca we are paying so much attention to you because we want to make your life is mis as possible.  As in we hate you alot, you can't drive and you have to be in the military since you won't be a doctor."

So my sister....who totally covers for my other sister when she's like egging someone's house or like bringing her best friend who is an eighth grader to a senior party where she lost her virginity to a junior in what might or might not be considered rape....decided to tell my parents all about how i had to borrow her license for a literally 10 minute drive away from home. 

I couldn't find my license, we were late for the movie and harkins is a bitch about not having your license to prove you're 17 so I borrowed hers.  And now my dad's all "k so you're never allowed to drive any of the cars that we own again."

I was like whatever because it's not like i really have places to go these days but it was kind of a low blow after only this morning he tells me that i have to join the military.  I mean okay.  I was just getting over the fact that I have to dress in camo for the next 6 years of my life.  Thanks for telling me that for the next month i am also under house arrest.

And then.  Because my life is perfect. My mom becomes convinced that I am going to get pregnant before I even finish college.  So this is literally the advice she gave me:  Stop looking up beauty and sex tips everyday.  Stop being friends with your friends at school.  And break up with your boyfriend because he doesn't love you.

So I told her that okay I would stop looking up the tips but the other things were a non issue because I don't have any friends and because i mentally and physically abuse my boyfriend he was looking to break up anyway.  I don't think she believed me, but today has proved that she is actually alot dumber that i thought so maybe she did.

I am seriously regretting my choice to go to dartmouth right now.  Not because i don't love it.  Because i basically love it with every mitochondria and nucleus and strand of chrmatin in my body.  But because if I went to u of a i would have gone completely free plus some money and then i never would have had to talk to my parents again.  And then with the thousands of dollars i was saving, I could go rent an apartment in la over the summer so that i literally would never have to see them again and then my life would be perfect.  But now because ivy leagues are so fucking expensive and because i'm not going to be a doctor.  I am stuck with their nagging yelling bitchasses for another at least 3 years.

So if i'm like perpetually pissed off for like the next decade.  The reasons are above.  kthxbye

So I definitely should have just done what lk did and pretnede that i didn't have a boyfriend at all.
Sometimes i think it's better to be honest with my parents than not...why am i so dumb??
I'm getting bored of summer and i'm so ready to get back to school.
Instead of premed, my parents (kind of) are letting me do the english/econ major that i want to do.  I don't really wan tto do the econ part but i know that if i don't do it i will probably have to transfer to u of a so that they don't think they are just wasting their money on a dartmouh english degree...which i think should count for a little but whatever.

Yesterday, Jordan and I went to In and Out at midnight and while we were sitting on the curb talking about the pros and cons of doing ecstasy, his bag of hamburgers was attacked by ants and then we decided it was a good time to go home.  It's weird how he's the only one i'm ever able to properly say goodbye to every year.

So I made a list of attributes that I would most like in a boy:

1. Someone who ignores me and leaves me alone but gives me attention when I tell him to
2. Someone who surprises me with presents sometimes but isn't trying to buy my love.
3. Someone who's a little selfish, knows what he wants, but doesn't mind letting me get what I want most of the time.
4. Someone who'll pick up the phone when I'm high off my ass at 4 am and I want to talk about why I suddenly think I'm a lesbian.

Bonus:  Someone who is rich, hot and/or famous.
( i love still this weirdo though )

I can honestly say that Michelle, Nicole, Malin and I are true patriors because we did out duty to our country today.

We let a whole bunch of trashy, rude army guys buy us drinks and flirt with us ... we were def. supporting the troops.

Thanks god we are not sluts, lol

I just found this on Elaine's journal....and I want to do all of them.

( Strand 80..81? list )

Nicole and I are going to tan topless today and it's going to be beautiful!!!!

So these are the things I'm going to do this summer:

• Go to sedona! under this category is cliff diving, hiking and meeting boys more beautiful than the ones we met last time
• Hot tub at the Hyatt like erryday
• Read lots of books
• Stalk Adam Sneed successfully
• Fly to NC to see A
• Learn chem and physics (but before this happens, figures out if I acutually want to be a doctor)
• Call that law alum to see if I would even like law a little bit
• Go on a early morning hike!
• Become unallergic to my cats
• Find that sense of optimism that the cold weather and mean professors STRIPPED from meeeee
• Film a movie that does or doesn't star harry potter
• Get drunk on the Salt River
• Don't drink so much
• Be naked as much as possible
• Lose weight blah blah as usual
• SELF ACTUALIZE!

I'm going to go eat an egg.
Also, I read more plays:

King Hedley II i didn't like this one at all..but then i thought about it and i appreciated it more
Glen Garry Glen Ross this one was stupid and i didn't get it AT ALL

The Hungry Woman: A Mexican Medea the only thing i liked about this one was how the people in it talked to each other the same way me and nicole talk to each other...in spanglish!

Top Dog Under Dog this was one was beautiful and funny and heart wrenching

 Angels in America: American Drama at the End of the History i don't know if I liked this one....but i think it was meaning ful

I JUST REALIZED THAT I HAVEN'T CALLED STEVEN SINCE THANKSGIVING...and now i lost his phone number!!! who the heck am i going to tell all my problems to now??

I'm going to try and stop being so unsatisfied with myself, make a plan, follow it and then be happy with the outcome no matter what it will be.

My parents are forcing me to be apremed without really forcing me.  They're all like, "I CAN'T BELIEVE WE SPENT 50,000 ON YOU THIS YEAR TO FIGURE OUT THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR WHAT?! " "Don't believe that white person bullshit about finding yourself at college" "The only jobs you can count on are doctors and the military....you can join the ROTC if you don't want to be a docotr...then college will be free too!"  "oh, but do what you want, we love you"

i hate them, i'm going to be a doctor and either be shitty and die with lots of malpractice suits or be a fabulous plastic surgeon and become jaded with life and not appreciate beuaty anymore and go crazy

Anywy, i'm going to rebel and be an english major/gov minor so that I can pretend i'm going to be a docotr and then be a lawyer instead....that is, if all of these premed classes don't just completely kill my already floudering GPA.

Plays I have read this term:

The Glass Menagerie
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Streetcar Named Desire
Fences
The Piano Lesson
Anna in the Tropics
Death of a Salesman
the inheritors
Our Town
M. Butterfly
Six Degrees of Separation
True West
Mulatto
desire under elms
Anna Christie

I think that tennessee williams, even though he was secretly gay, had daddy issues and had emotional problems because of his sister who had her frontal cortex cut out, is a beautiful person who genuinely understands the plight of the differences in a homogenous society and is able to articulate it.

Bio and chem and physics is dry and cold and unbeautiful, I don't think my parents understand how making me be premed makes me cry almost everyday

Alright, so I'm probably going to get RWIT is what Jeff Koh said.  It's something i've wanted to do for a long time, like the application process was so long and i'm so close and i'm all like anticlimactically not ecstatic.  Because it made me realize how i'm not desperately commited to being a doctor as most people are.  This is like a writing tutor job that is that super hard to get into and for people who want to devote themselves to write and why the heck am i going to do this because clearly it has nothing to do with what i'm supposed to be doing.  But I like kind of don't like the lab that i'm working in right now, and I'm applying for this grant to work in a mobio lab next fall and they're going to give me tons of money but i'm so not excited.

I kind of want to join the peace corps actually.  I really do. So I applied for this thing last week with the most convoluted and extensive application ever that would allow me to go to S. Africa for the summer for like 2 months and work in the townships basically tutoring kids and teaching them how to play the violin and stuff...and I really want it...like SO BAD but there are only 2-3 spots offered to like the 50+ people who apply.  So I'm pretty sure that's like a no go.  The tucker foundation would play for all expenses if I get this position...it would be perfect.

Basically, I'm having a life crisis.  Probably because it's raining for the first time a like a week after a stretch of beautiful picturesque weather where everyone just went out on the Green and played frisbee and danced and people watched.  I was seriously watching this beautiful boy with perfect flowy brown hair and piercing green eyes for like an hour.  And commentating on everything he was doing...i am creepy even in college.

and like everything with andrew is so tumultuous.  Sometimes I feel like I couldn't live without him because i love him so much, but other times I feel like I want to run away because he's holding me back from something really vague and indistinguishable.  It kind of pisses me off that i'm so indecisive about this. 

And i'm really scared of drinking anymore because I almost died of alcohol poisoning last weekend. I like blacked out for the first time in my life.  And then apparently I was booting in the trashcan in the Hyphen downstairs and it was just baddddd. I might tonight though......i make such bad life choices.

I'm super scared for this cell bio midterm this wed.  I have no idea what to expect...And it's already 5:13 and all I want to do is nothing basically or watch paris je t'aime. 

I'm like Zach Braff in Garden State. like everyone is moving around and i'm standing still.

• Drink lots of water
• 3 sets of 12 push ups and 12 lunges each!!
• girl on top sex every night!
• cut out one thing (snacking!)
• no white carbs!
• 30 minutes of cardio every day
• sleep 30 more minutes a night!

By cosmo!!!

Me and amanda are dating the same boy.  Except hers is Korean and mine is white....so it's like we're dating each other.  Except they are both quiet and they are afraid of happy bubbly people and we have no idea how we got them because they are scared of people like us. And they both think that every night we go out and hook up with tons of boys who aren't them hahah.  And they're really judgey of fat people...and of people in gen.


I feel like i'm dating a 5 year old...an alcoholic one!  he got drunk in the middle of the day today and i had to stayo n the phone with him to convince him that he wasn't dying...and that he wasn't kicked off the team...he is incorrigible.

I've been reading so much over break.  it's amazing.
( oh hai i'm 5 )

what beautiful grades

Today, I was taking a shower with my boyfriend in the girl's bathroom of our dorm room. During the shower, someone comes in and takes a huge dump in the toilet while we're trying to be quiet so they won't hear us. After about 5 minutes, someone else comes in and wants to use the shower so when they leave to get their stuff, Andrew quickly runs into the stall and I try to leave the bathroom. My UGA opens the door. Then she says, "Whoever was just in the shower with Rebecca can come out of the stall." FML.

( LOL )

but seriously.  FML.
time to study for finals

I'm so scared for my chem midterm. i literally know nothing...and i'm sitting here watching desperate housewives...fuck.

andrew's going to be at harvard for v-day :(

All i want to do is be a famous author. and be an english major.

• I have 3 girls I love here.  And i still have three girls that I love at home.  What more could anyone ask for?
• My mom hates Andrew.  But she loved Val.
• I played water pong last night because I wanted to come home sober enough to work on my lab report.  but I just ended up watching sin city and falling asleep anyway.
• I am applying to be a UGA next year.  but .... apparently I still have to pay for my room and board and all I get is a $1000 stipend every term...eh
• I applied to be a writing tutor and I want it more than anything
• I just got elected to the Biology Society Exec Board and I have no idea what they do.
• My sisters are getting boyfriends and I think my parents are freaking out about how all of their daughters have gone crazy.
• I have no idea what I want to major in. I was thinking psych, but my heart will also be in English.
• My credit card keeps getting fraud alerts.
• I feel like I never stop working, but I feel like I never work.
• Andrew likes talking to me in French even though I don't always know what he means.  He's taken to saying "Je'tamie"
• Je ne sais pas

I am so content right now.  I'm not amazingly happy or depressed.  The sun in shining for the first time in what seems like years.  My seasonal depression is wearing off.  (thank God I lived in AZ for a lot of my life so that I got my fill of sun and never had to feel this bleak and smothered and damp until now). I'm just going to work for the rest of the day. Andrew's shirt is comfortable and Christina and Annie are coming back soon.

I'm going to call my sister.

Okay so i'm in Berry 3, my fave place in the whole world, because it's like a beautiful library.  And I'm already a little ticked off because the people at the courtyard cafe made my grilled cheese with american instead of chedder cheese.

And then instead of working, I go on facebook and randomly I see a that ashley clinger, who i forgot existed had put up photos.  So I look through them and now I'm pissed. idk why.  I guess it's cuz they reminded me of high school and how much fun it was and how i didn't even really realize how much fun i was having until i looked back and now i wish i was back there again doing all those useless random projects.

I guess she goes to SCC now.  it's weird how she used to be like really really smart.  What the hell happened.

I also found out that because of me Val is sad like everyday of his life.............
i am extremely guilty. past anything. fuck.
whatever, maybe if i study enough i won't have feelings anymore.
i have a chem midterm on monday....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I just broke up with Val....

I feel so empty inside.

I will probably never be perfect. I will always be in love with inappropriate people. It's really easy to change into something that you never thought you would be.

2009 started off with a bang and it's going to be awesome I just know it!!!